2 Years Ago Today

Friday, October 22, 2010

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My life as I knew it ended on this day, 2 years ago when I held Tiger in my arms and I let the vet put him to sleep. This was the beginning of end for me. I knew that it could not go on forever but I so needed more time. I was violently immersed into total darkness, the longest period of depression I have known in this lifetime. I left the vets office and went to see my doctor because I knew I could not do this alone, so began an endless cycle of antidepressants, sleeping pills and pain medication. I feel the loss now just a deeply and painfully as I did then. It seems like only yesterday. On the shelf by my bed I have his ashes in a small wooden box, a small picture of him and clippings from his fur which I take out and touch occasionally. Some days are better than others, and today is not so good. I do know that time will make it easier, but I still feel the loss, and time seems to pass so slowly. Why does it take so long? 
My Best Friend, My Reason for Living, My Life, My Love....My Little Boy, My Tiger!

And this too shall pass! I am Marsha!


It’s been several days since I finished my 42 days of writing in the 9th and final wave of gratitude and I’ve kind of been going crazy. No pressure to write, took a couple days off but I don’t know what to do with myself. So here I am, I had to write today because I told myself I would write on the anniversary of Tiger’s death. Tiger was my best friend, my little boy, my reason for living. I know this is pathetic and crazy, but it is what it is. I spent so many years in the darkness of depression and when I would cry and beg God to please help me find a reason for living, that reason was Tiger. He was in fact, my life and I would have given anything, if I could have saved him, but I couldn’t.

My life as I knew it was over as the vet told me there was no hope, to say that I was devastated does not even come close to describing the desperation I felt. I held him in my arms as the vet injected him with the liquid that would take his life. He left me alone in the room as I held him and cried. I didn’t know how I was going to continue living. I had no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to go on, no dreams, no hope. I left the vet’s office and drove to my doctor’s office and so began my descent into darkness, making myself numb with sleeping pills, anti-depressants and pain medication. Hell was no doubt more pleasant than what my life had become. It was so hard to come home, I would cry as I would drive home from work each day knowing that he wouldn’t be there to greet me. My life and my house were so empty without him.

When his ashes were ready for me to pick up at the vet’s office, I felt a little better in a pathetic kind of way. I was glad to have him back with me, to know he was home again. I have him here with me now as I did in the last 2 places I have lived. I have some of his fur that I caress every now and then. I cherish my memories of him as well. He will always live in my heart. He got sick so quickly, in just a few short days he was gone. I wish I could have had more time to say goodbye, it would still have been difficult, I don’t know if it would have made a difference or not.

He was always there for me, no matter what. If I was crying he would come and sit on my lap and snuggle with me. He always slept with me. He had to be in my face, he would put his head on my pillow and sleep with me, if I would turn over he would move to the other side. Back in the old days when the computer monitors were huge, he would sleep on top of it, and sometimes he would reach out with his paw and touch me. He would follow me around the house and even wanted to be in the bathroom while I took a bath. He would sit on the floor and give himself a bath. When I would come home he would always meet me at the door.

I am so thankful for the time I had with him, he was the light of my life, and yes my reason for living. He really did bring so much joy and light into my life and when he was gone there was only darkness. Writing for 42 days in gratitude allowed me to release a lot of the pain I have held onto and to walk in the light. I am forever in gratitude.

Walking my path with my invisible Tiger cat, and always with gratitude, I am Marsha!