Day 32 - Possibilities of Gratitude

Saturday, October 9, 2010

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*image by Luke Brown*

I can clearly see the finish line with only 10 days left. I also know that after the 42nd day I will not stop writing. It is in my soul and an essential part of my life, it has saturated my being and become my life blood. I am so enjoying the changes that gratitude has brought into my life, especially because I would have never imagined that this it was even possible a month ago.

Many years ago I had a job in a factory assembling things. I so hated it and it was extremely difficult for me. I have never had a high level of manual dexterity and I have always been klutzy. I knew I had to do something else. It was then that I decided to go to college but I had no clue as to what to study. I took a battery of tests to determine what my skills were. I thought that would help me decide what course of study to pursue. However, it did not work out as well as I planned. I scored high in everything except for the small motor skills and well I already knew that. My overall score qualified me for whatever educational path I decided to follow, but that was the problem, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do.

I enjoyed art, sketching and drawing, but I didn’t think I was good enough. I knew I was better than the average person, but I didn’t have enough confidence to pursue it. I also knew I wanted to be an author, but I was afraid I would have nothing to say. After all where would the words come from? Too often my mind would just go blank and I could not think of anything to say to save my soul. I enjoyed doing astrology, doing the mathematical calculations from my tables and charts, but I had the communication problem here as well. I was still at a point where I was afraid to tell anyone that I was into new age stuff, fearful I would be an outcast for being different. I finally decided to study computer science. It was the up and coming career and there would always be work for programmers! “What a joke!” Ever hear of the ‘dot com bubble’ and ‘out sourcing’?

Anyway, a few years later, here I was with a B.S. degree in Computer Science, a high GPA, no experience and no prospects either. I did have a pile of rejection letters over an inch high. This of course was back in the early 90’s when employers actually used the postal service! Yes, I know, I will be 57 tomorrow. Well after a year and a half, I gave up. I took a temp job working in a clerical position in an office. And you know what happened? I never became a programmer! I was forever in administrative work until I couldn’t do it anymore. My body just said no more, I could barely walk and my hands became almost unusable from carpal tunnel syndrome with severe nerve damage and arthritis. Then there was the never ending depression.

It was always strange to me why I ended up working most of my adult life doing something that I was never good at and that I did not enjoy. Some people just have to learn things the hard way. I was always embarrassed to tell people what I did for a living. I have spent most of my adult life feeling that I was failure for never being anything more than a secretary. And perhaps the saddest thing of all is that I was never good at it.

My journey of writing in gratitude is only beginning. I’m not sure exactly where it will lead but I do know it’s a road I want to travel, a door that I want to open and a new life for me. And one thing I have learned in the last 32 days is that anything is possible with gratitude.

I am no longer embarrassed by who I am. Always with hope and gratitude, I am Marsha!


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